Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
