My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
This is my gift to your gina
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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