Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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