it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
