I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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