On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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