omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
