The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
