Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
