Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I miss vodka workout Fridays
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
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