You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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