every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
