Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
