I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
