I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
