just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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