I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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