She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Watching her eat just hurts me
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
