someone owes me an orgasm
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
