I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
