I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
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