I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
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