I cut my penus on the lid.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
