i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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