Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Randomize
