I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize