did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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