I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Randomize
