Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
