my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
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