Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
this hospital has no fireball
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
