Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
