drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
he puts the penis in happiness.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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