Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
My vagina just clenched in fear
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
