Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
