i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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