you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
