what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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