Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
