She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
i just google imaged poop.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize