A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
