You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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