so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Randomize
