The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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