His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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