I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
