I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
wakey wakey hands off snakey
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
