can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
