You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
