Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
