When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
