I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
