i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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