he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
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