tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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