turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
