I bet he comes in French.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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