Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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