So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
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