So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
