I cannot find my penis.
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
