I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
You made out with two different species that night
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Randomize
