I only kidnapped one of them. chill
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
