Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Randomize
