I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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